Who Will Win: The Artist
2011 was admittedly an off-kilter year in Oscar movies. There isn’t a juggernaut or a unanimous favorite, nor is there a close neck-and-neck race between two strong contenders. Half the nominees for best picture received mixed reviews, and a few weren’t even considered worthy of a best picture nod. The Artist is the only movie that has attracted the amount of acclaim necessary to secure the win.
Who Should Win: The Artist
One word: Uggie. But in all seriousness, it’s hard not to get romantic about The Artist. It’s the most charming film of the year, and not just because of the black-and-white/silent film shtick. The Artist is the only film this year that went out on a limb, and it will win the Oscar for that.
Who Will Win: Michael Hazanavicious for The Artist
The Oscars often differ from the Golden Globes, so don’t bank on another Scorsese win. The reception for Hugo is only lukewarm, and Scorsese is relying on the fact that he is Martin Scorsese to take home the win. On the other hand, Michael Hazanavicious is super cool, super creative, and no one can pronounce his name. In other words, he’s a winner.
Who Should Win: Woody Allen for Midnight in Paris
Woody Allen is the frontrunner for best screenplay, but most count him out for best director. However, Midnight in Paris is the most successful film in Allen’s repertoire. It has the rueful absurdities of classic Woody Allen movies, but Midnight feels fresh. Ignore The Help; Midnight in Paris is the best ensemble of the year thanks to Woody.
Who Will Win: Jean Dujardin for The Artist
Best Actor is sort of an odd category this year. The George and Brad Bromance took matching nominations, but Demian Bichir and Gary Oldman pulled off two upsets. Everyone wants to hand Brad an Oscar, but he’s still middle of the pack. George is Oscar-worthy, but not as Oscar-worthy as he has been in the past. Jean Dujardin, on the other hand, is the fresh (and beautiful) face behind the sleeper hit of the year.
Who Should Win: Jean Dujardin for The Artist
Jean Dujardin is The Artist. He’s the reason why so many skeptics finally gave into the silent film novelty, and he’s the reason why The Artist isn’t just an elaborate gimmick. Dujardin gives the most endearing performance of the year, bar none. And his teeth are supernaturally white. And he dances. Victory is his.
Who Will Win: Viola Davis for The Help
Frontrunner Viola Davis is primed to win the Oscar. Her role is catnip for the Academy. Miss Aibileen Clark is practically Morgan Freeman meets Oprah. She made your mom cry with her “soulful” performance, and she already has a self-affirmation-style catchphrase: “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” It’s in the bag unless The Meryl pulls off another surprise upset.
Who Should Win: Rooney Mara for Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Rooney Mara literally pierced her nipples to play the goth anti-heroine Lisbeth Salander. Forget the unfortunate haircut, the perpetual nudity, and the graphic rape. She pierced her nipples. But perhaps more importantly, Mara gives the most provocative and merciless modern superhero a hint of vulnerability amidst all of the badasserie.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Who Will Win: Christopher Plummer for Beginners
Christopher Plummer had this puppy won long before award season even started. I don’t want to say that there are no other nominees, but there really aren’t any other nominees. Especially after his acceptance speech at the Globes where he said, “And lastly, a fair lady called Elaine, my wife of 43 years, whose bravery and beauty haunts me still.” Swoon.
Who Should Win: Christopher Plummer for Beginners
The best performance of the year. No explanation required.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Who Will Win: Octavia Spencer for The Help
Octavia Spencer is a sure thing. America loves sassy women and poop. Double whammy.
Who Should Win: Melissa McCarthy for Bridesmaids
Once again, America loves poop jokes. Or rather, I love poop jokes, and Melissa McCarthy is the superior defecator. She has virtually no chance, but who cares. McCarthy plays the best comedic character in years, and it is the only performance in the best supporting actress category that will ever be remembered.
All aboard the train to Snub City!
Best Picture: Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that War Horse (AKA: Dude Where’s My Horse?) just beat out Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Seriously, War Horse? The whole movie was three hours worth of turnips, blue eyes, and the Spielberg face.
Best Director: David Fincher for Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
A slap in the face. Go start a club with Christopher Nolan. I’m sure he has some sage wisdom on the matter.
Best Actor: Michael Fassbender for Shame
It’s understandable that Shame isn’t everyone’s taste. In all honesty, I cried in horror as much as I giggled uncomfortably. However, Fassbender was sort of amazing. In a scary way, but amazing nevertheless. And he’s gorgeous and charming and wildly talented and now no one will get to see him on the Red Carpet at the Oscars.
Best Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio for J. Edgar
J. Edgar sucked. The old age make-up made them look like burn victims. But still, it’s The DiCaprio in a biopic. Admittedly, this is certainly not Leo’s long-awaited Oscar, but he always deserves an Oscar nod.
Best Actress: Tilda Swinton for We Need to Talk About Kevin
IT’S TILDA SWINTON. ONE OF HER USED TISSUES DESERVES A NOMINATION. NO JOKE. SHE IS THAT TALENTED.
Best Actress: Kirsten Dunst for Melancholia
Dunst made the comeback of the year in her role as the uber-depressed Justine in Melancholia. I wanted her to take the Dark Horse nomination so badly, but at least her hair is gorgeous.
Best Supporting Actor: Albert Brooks for Drive
Albert Brooks is arguably the biggest snub of them all. He was incredible going against typecast as the conniving villain in Drive. Christopher Plummer was a dead lock for the win, but Brooks was the honorable second place in nearly ever single projection.
Best Supporting Actress: Shailene Woodley for The Descendants
As much as it pains me to say it, Shailene Woodley, that pregnant girl from that teen sex after-school special, gave the best performance of a teenager in recent memory. Sadly, the whole Secret Life thing was kind of working against her.