2012: Who’s to Blame?

Megan Freeman

The year 2012 is fast approaching, and according to pessimists around the globe, the end follows close behind.  The end of the world, the apocalypse, Armageddon, total annihilation, whatever you call it, sure isn’t good news for humanity.  But what on earth gave those negative Nancys the idea that in 2012 we’re all going to kick the bucket? Let’s look at the facts about this fateful year:  The ancient Mayan calendar ends on Dec. 21.  A Wisconsin woman named Nancy Lieder claimed she was contacted by aliens called Zetas from the planet Nibiru, who told her that their planet will collide with earth sometime in December, destroying all life.  The summer Olympics will take place in London.  The Beatles album “Please Please Me” will fall out of copyright.  And finally, the UK will stop broadcasting analog television.  Obviously, we can conclude that one of these scenarios will cause the destruction of life as we know it.

1.  The spirits of the ancient Mayans—angered by our pitiful attempts to decipher their written language—will return once again to earth to finish carving their calendars into the stone tablets.  When the spirits arrive they will most likely be hungry from the long journey from the afterlife.  They will probably want a cookie to munch on.  Then they will probably ask for a glass of milk to go with it.  The spirits will be so hungry that they will eat all of the remaining food on the planet, causing a massive food shortage, and all life forms will die of starvation.

2.  Nancy Lieder (who also claims that the Zeta aliens planted a communication device in her brain) will receive orders from the mothership telling her to lead her followers to run amok in the streets.  This will create a diversion so fantastical that nobody notices when a giant earth-sized spaceship approaches our planet and aims an enormous laser beam our way.  We will be blasted to smithereens and have no idea what hit us.

3.  The last three events occurring in 2012 all have to do with Britain: the London Olympics, the Beatles copyright, and the end of analog television broadcasting.  Therefore we can infer that if any of the previous scenarios come true, it is obviously the Brits’ fault.  In anticipation of these catastrophes, the rest of the world community will shun the British and refuse to deal with them, causing a worldwide economic meltdown.  The resulting depression will be so horrendous that world leaders will squabble over the remaining resources and the world will end in nuclear warfare.