New Year’s Resolutions that Everyone Fails

Lauren Dahlberg-Seeth

Of the people who decide to make New Years resolutions, less than 40% maintain them throughout the year. While some of those goals are unrealistic (like running for president, or acing AP Euro), others, in theory, should be relatively easy (like taking a trip or helping the less fortunate). Now that we’re one month in to the New Year, Mirador takes a look at some of the most popular resolutions, and why you’ve probably already failed at them.

1. Lose Weight

Why It’s Popular: After constantly gorging yourself with the candies and pastries that come with the holidays, wanting to drop a few pounds isn’t necessarily a bad idea.

Why It Will Fail: When exactly were you planning on going to the gym? At 6:00 a.m. when there’s no chance you’ll actually get up? Or at 6:00 p.m. when you’ve finished your homework and all you want to do is stalk your friends on Facebook? And let’s face it, doing crunches on your living room floor during commercial breaks doesn’t count as exercise.

Alternative: Tell yourself that your clothes shrank in the dryer.

2. Quit Smoking/Drinking

Why It’s Popular: Technically people our age shouldn’t be doing it anyway.

Why It Will Fail: It shouldn’t. Legally, you don’t have a choice. Didn’t you pay attention during the assemblies?

Alternative: Candy cigarettes and root beer: twice as tasty, half the price!

3. Spend More Time With Family

Why It’s Popular: Every family is a little less dysfunctional over the holidays. Between the jolly attitudes and the presents, you almost start to like them.

Why It Will Fail: All that holiday cheer is gone; eventually you’ll start to remember how much you dislike the people you live with.

Alternative: Become one of “Those People,” who sets all their friends as siblings on Facebook. Hang out with those friends often and convince yourself that it’s essentially the same thing as family bonding.

4. Save Money

Why It’s Popular: Everyone wants a little money in the bank.

Why It Will Fail: A new year brings new obsessions. Eventually you’re going to spend all that money on something you’ll probably regret buying (Yogurt Shack anyone?).

Alternative: Hide your money in places that even you won’t remember. When you clean out your room over the summer, you’ll thank me.

5. Take A Trip

Why It’s Popular: We live in Orinda.

Why It Will Fail: In all likelihood, it won’t fail. Like I said, we live in Orinda.

Alternative:  Find pictures of exotic places on the Internet and Photoshop yourself into them.

6. Reduce Stress

Why It’s Popular: What an easy resolution to make during your winter break. You forget what it’s like to wake up before noon, so you convince yourself that being relaxed is something you could get used to.

Why It Will Fail: You have since returned to school and the endless monotony that is your life. Finals have come and gone, and all that slacking off you did during first semester has finally come back to haunt you. Oh, and Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Not so relaxed now, are you?

Alternative:  Grab a carton of Ben & Jerry’s and feel sorry for yourself because it’s not going to get easier any time soon. Worried about weight gain? See #1.

7. Get A Better Job

Why It’s Popular: When you’re starving in college, you’re going to wish you had some work experience.

Why It Will Fail: Mowing the lawn for your parents does not count as employment. You’ve probably never had a real job and wouldn’t be able to get one if you tried.

Alternative: Continue mowing the lawn for your parents.

8. Help The Less Fortunate

Why It’s Popular: Besides the fact that community service will probably become mandatory to graduate, everyone enjoys that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you help others.

Why It Will Fail: You’re not that good of a person and you know it.

Alternative: Find a friend that volunteers frequently and tell them to keep up the good work! That way, you’re helping them help the less fortunate, and that’s essentially the same thing, right?