Horoscopes: Look into Your Future

Hannah Tennant

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

This month, you will discover an ability to move things with your mind. Use this to your advantage. Channel Matilda.

(Feb. 19-Mar. 20):

Like Mowgli of the Jungle Book, you will discover your true home in the jungle. Don your loincloth and return to where you belong, in the animal kingdom.

(Mar. 21-Apr. 19):

This month, animals will be drawn to you. Birds will nest in your hair, and little Bambis will follow you to school. To throw them off your trail, roll in dirt and bathe in coyote urine to mask your scent.

(Apr. 20-May 20):

You will be unusually talkative this month. You will frustrate and alienate those around you, and find yourself very alone. To combat this, plant a garden and harvest your crop under the full moon. Eat your crop constantly to keep your mouth busy.  This food will also become your new best friend, since you’ll lose your real one.

(May 21-June 20):

This month, avoid large bodies of water.  You have been chosen.

(July 23-Aug. 22):

An evil spirit has crossed your path. To cleanse your aura, create a wig of the hair of your closet friends. Their friendship will protect you as you build a bonfire and burn away all the malicious aspects of your life.

(Aug. 23- Sept. 22):

After school, go to a drug store. Buy maple syrup and feathers. Set up a trap; lock your doors. They are coming.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

Flowers will spring up where you step. Birds will sing to you, and you alone. Clouds will part and the sun will beat upon your face, smiling at your beauty.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

When offered a drink from the fountain of youth, accept.

(Nov. 2-Dec. 21):

When driving home late one night, your car will break down. Leave your car. Enter the wilderness and scrounge for berries in the darkness. Find a mate and begin a new race of humans.

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):

As you sleep, a strange light will fill your room, and a buzzing noise will fill your head. Follow the light, and comply with the aliens’ wishes.