Who’s the Ultimate Bro?

Jeremy Unger

In 2008 Mirador alum Garret Ley ‘08 defined a bro as “a 14 to 18-year-old male who likes to longboard, take off his shirt in public, wear pre-frayed clothing and “kick back” in the bed of his truck. You know, a bro.”Here at Miramonte, it is common for bros to talk about surfing (even if they don’t actually surf), wear puka shells, play N64 and use phrases like “bro-out” and “chill.” Seniors John Holland and Jake Nelson truly epitomize what it means to be a bro, but one question remains: Who’s the ultimate bro?

Jake Nelson: J-Nel
John Holland: J-Holl
Advantage: Tie

Favorite sport involving a board:
Jake Nelson: Volcano Boarding*
John Holland: Kite Landboarding
Advantage: Nelson

Favorite website:
Jake Nelson: broslikethissite.com
John Holland: blog.hellastops.com
Advantage: Holland

Most over-used expression:
Jake Nelson: JK
John Holland: It Matters Bro (IMB)
Advantage: Holland

Last time you went surfing:
Jake Nelson: When I visited Teahup0’0’s 50 foot swells.
John Holland: I prefer spear-fishing
Advantage: Nelson, although we doubt his claim

(Main) gaming system:
Jake Nelson: Xbox 360…LO
John Holland: N-64*
Advantage: Holland, gotta preesh the Smash

Most epic mo-mint:
Jake Nelson: What John Said
John Holland: NCS POLO
Advantage: Tie

Extreme sport of choice:
Jake Nelson: Shredding the Gnar*
John Holland: Professional pillow fighting on ostrages
Advantage: Nelson. Gotta go with the gnar.

How many tank-tops do you own?
Jake Nelson: Three, excluding lax pennies
John Holland: A superfluous amount, too many to count
Advantage: Holland, for his SAT vocab use.

Favorite item at Nations:
Jake Nelson: Triple egger
John Holland: Two egger scrambled with bacon and sourdough
Advantage: Nelson, the extra egg is key.

Word to describe you
Jake Nelson: chill
John Holland: nonchalant
Advantage: Nelson, his word epitomizes a bro.

Fourthmeal* destination:
Jake Nelson: Chicken and Waffles
John Holland: Szechwan*
Advantage: Holland, gotta go with the local eateries

Jake Nelson: Ian K. Cosco aka CHUG*
John Holland: Mathew McConaughey
Advantage: Holland

Favorite movie:
Jake Nelson: Dazed and Confused
John Holland: Surfer Dude
Advantage: Both win

What’s in your iPod?
Jake Nelson: Ke$ha
John Holland: Blink.* Duh.
Advantage: Holland, without question

Mavericks or Northshore?
Jake Nelson: Mavs, quicker commute
John Holland: North Shore. Sorry bro, I’m Hawaiian.
Advantage: Tie

Illegal activity of choice:
Jake Nelson: next question.
John Holland: no comment
Advantage: Moving on…

Favorite Attire:
Jake Nelson: Sperrys, skinny jeans, a chill-t, and the backwards hat, tilted of course.
John Holland: Boardshorts, Vans, with Nike dry-fits (or Sperrys), and Wayfarers.
Advantage: Both Win

Place to “kick back”:
Jake Nelson: La Piscina
John Holland: Anywhere in a chill lawn chair
Advantage: Holland, because of portability.

Biggest party foul*:
Jake Nelson: Bro H8ers
John Holland: Armed Bullying
Advantage: Too close to call

Personal Statistics

John Holland:
Height: 6’0″
Weight: 160
Birthdate: March 31, 1992
Astrological Sign: Aries
Quality of Tan: Brown year round
Smash Character: Jiggly puff
Shoes: Sperrys
Brand: Vans

Jake Nelson
Height: 6’2″
Weight: 160
Birthdate: February 13, 1992
Astrological Sign: Aquarius
Quality of Tan: Nonexistant
Smash Character: Fox
Shoes: Sperrys
Brand: RVCA

*Learn the Bro-cabulary
Volcano Boarding: An extreme sport where the participant snowboards down the side of a volcano.
N64: A videogame system released in the mid-90s, it is most well known for the classic “Super Smash Brothers”
Fourthmeal: A late-night meal between dinner and breakfast. Popularized by Taco Bell.
Nor Cal: Short for Northern California. Considered “hella sicker” than So Cal.
Bro Cal: See Nor Cal.
Shredding the Gnar: To snowboard/skateboard to one’s fullest potetial on difficult or challenging terrain.
Szechwan: A Chinese food establishment in downtown Orinda, known for its famous potstickers.
31337: An upside down version of the word leet, which means very good or pro at something.
Party foul: A socially unacceptable action committed during a party.
Chug: The nickname of pro skier Ian K. Cosco, who travels the world skiing and engaging in multiple mishaps, which he blogs about on his website.
Blink: Short for Blink 182, one of many bro bands. (Note: Ke$ha is not a bro musician.)

Winner: Chad “Bro-Chill: Zakskorn

Photo: C. Zakskorn