Ask Mirador: with Miguelito and Taquito

L. Stewart

Dear Miguelito,
I have been having trouble making friends. For some reason I repel people with every turn I make. My high school years are coming to an end and it would be really nice if I had someone to share the memories with! What do I do?
~Friendless Forever?

Dear Friendless Forever,
I know being pathetic during your high school years may appear to be an uphill battle, a seemingly impossible fight to win. But listen, there is hope: in an increasing socially-based web generation, sites such as: facebook.com, craiglist.com, 4chan.org, match.com, eharmory.com, friendfinder.com (I really recommend this one!) can make friend encounters stress-free and easy. Miguel’s fair-warning: watch out for people that may appear to be “too friendly,” for these “friends” could actually be pedophiles, runaway criminals, or, by contrast, bounty-hunters. If all these measures fail, try requesting Miramonte’s own Mr. Egeland on Facebook! I’m sure he’ll be glad to play such applications like “Farmville” with you.

Dear Miguelito,
I have been having this craving for tea recently, but I can’t quench my thirst. The display board at Peet’s is just too threatening, and I don’t know which too choose.  What do you recommend?
~ Xiaov.Sensha

Well Xiaosv.Sencha,
First and foremost, tea cravings are completely natural, unlike other unhealthy cravings which may include: methamphetamines, nicotine and other narcotics. It’s extremely important to draw a sharp dinstiction between the healthy and the unhealthy cravings. I know it may be hard to draw differences between the two, but hey, you’ll get the hang of it sometime. Peet’s Coffee and Tea is a great place to discover tea interests even though its atmosphere may come across as threatening, overly sophisticated or elite. Disregard the “high-brow” crowds of Miramonte students reading authors such as Thoreau, Emmerson or Vonnegut, and just quickly mention an obscure band and they will leave you alone. As far as teas go, stick to the ones that are the most complicated to pronounce; they tend to be the best, and your peers will regard you as a tea aficionado.

Dear Miguelito,
I am starving. The only food I can make is mac and cheese. I have tried to make Gazpacho, but it always seems to fail!
~GazpachogoneHAYWIRE

Gazpachogonehaywire,
I know how the pressures of the teenage social body may lead you to under eat. You probably should not do this.

Dear Miguelito,
The girl I asked to senior ball has man hair all over. Do I dump her? Am I supposed to help her shave? Please help!
~YOthereishairEVERYWHERE!

YOthereishaireverywhere,
Embrace the hair. As a matter a fact, in nearly every early civilization women commonly sported body hair as a method of male attraction. I personally encourage you to embrace your genetic heritage and disregard all criticism, those other girls are jealous.
Alternatively, pointed comments can work wonders. Talk about wanting to use a weedwhacker on hills covered in tall grassy weeds. Buy hairy fruit, like peaches and kiwi, and shave the fine fibers off with a fruit knife. Do this in front of her, every morning, for a week. She’ll probably get the hint.

Dear Taquito,
I have no motivation, I burp in class, and I’m just plain ol’ tired all the time. What do you suggest?
~ Aleck Ryner (Burpyboi)

Dear Burpy Boi,
Are you pregnant?  Burping is usually not a symptom, but hey the world is changing and nothing seems unreasonable. Get a pregnancy test at your local drug store and give my blessings to the baby.  If pregnancy is not the issue then just succumb to your problems. Accept your lack of motivation and chill.  As Avril Lavigne once said, “Chill out what you yellin’ for lay back it’s all been done before.”


Dear Taquito,

This weird girl keeps biting me in Spanish class. I tell her to stop, but she refuses to listen. WTF am I supposed to do?
~ chica desconocida12

Dear chica desconocida,
If I were you I would also be a little desconocida. This is really weird. If pain is the problem, you should probably sedate her and rip out her teeth. But from my years of background and expertise in dealing with biting girls, I would assume that the biting is the result of a bad family life. So figure out the root of the problem. Ask her to go out to lunch. Maybe she will open up and give you the reason for her rage. If this doesn’t work throw your drink in her face and tell her to take a hike.

Dear Taquito,
I’m too perfect! I’m smart, pretty and nice. I have platinum blonde hair and I’m fostering kittens. After school, I go to track or cross country practice and then efficently finish my homework. What should I do?
~ANG3L CH1LD

Dear ANG3L CH1LD,
Sounds like you have a hard life. If you still need help, talk to Lauren Henderson; I think she will understand what you’re going through.