Stars’ Lack of Pants Begets Fan Mail

Dear Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, a.k.a. Lady Gaga,

It has come to our attention that your wardrobe seems to be severely lacking in the pants department. We understand that wearing fabric covering your legs might seem cumbersome or awkward at times, but we sincerely feel that you should at least consider adding them to your ensemble.

There are many types of leg-covering garments that can show off your figure without seeming prude. Think how nice a pair of good jeans would look in your closet, hanging next to the dress made of decapitated muppets! Or perhaps you could even wear them with the raw meat dress.

Slacks would be very useful for your new job as Creative Director of Polaroid cameras. We’re sure your co-workers would be very impressed with your business casual attire. And we regret to inform you that, no, ripped fishnet tights do not count as pants.

Ms. Gaga, while we admire your bravery and ability to tolerate frigid weather on your pantless crusade, we still feel that the frequent exposure of your rear end tends to intimidate and repulse your colleagues and fans. Wearing pants is merely a suggestion, but we do hope that you entertain the thought.

Best wishes,
The Mirador Staff

P.S. Plastic bubbles are not pants either. More things that are not pants: thongs, underwear, swimsuits with belts, saran wrap, Hello Kitty purse over the crotchal region, etc.

Dear Kesha Rose Sebert/Ke$ha,

We just wanted to commend you on displaying your extreme classiness and overall great lifestyle. It started in 2005 when you puked in Paris Hilton’s closet. Nice one, Ke$ha, that’s an inspiring story. I heard you were on your way to Columbia University, but dropped out for your music career. Certainly a good choice considering how excellent your voice is, especially live, on New Year’s Eve and on the Ellen Degeneres show.

But what really makes you a role model Ke$ha, is your deep and meaningful songs and music videos. There’s no wonder why “Tik Tok” was a smash hit for you. With lyrics like “When I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack,” who can’t relate to that one? Your other great hit, “Take It Off,” was inspired by how turned on you got when transvestite men starting taking off their clothes. And “Steven” off your Animal album, apparently is how you stalked a boy at 15 years old. How’d that one work out for you?

With your most recent hit, “We R Who We R,” (I see spelling isn’t your strong point), you were looking absolutely fantastic throughout the whole video. The ample amounts of holes in your stockings are truly flattering, as well as the blue lipstick and unneccessary gemstones glued to your eyebrows.

And with Jesus on your necklace, we have the faith that you’ll keep making great, non-provocative choices as a pop star.

Best of Luck,
The Mirador Staff