Vicious Birds Prey on Miramonte

Everybody loves nature. Everyone loves puppies and rabbits and sunshine and rainbows, but there is an exception. One glaring exception. Alfred Hitchcock has brought the sequel of his goose bump-provoking picture, The Birds, to Miramonte High. These feathered friends aren’t here to sing songs or protect young students from pesky rodents, but are instead inciting a terrible fear among our peers.

As lunch winds to a close on a typical January day and students dispose (or not) of their lunch, the birds keep a vigilant and beady-eyed watch. Although birds are some of Mother Nature’s stupidest creations (third only to worms and goldfish), the pea brains of the Miramonte seagull population are wired to target unfortunate victims and pinpoint appetizing leftovers.

Some of us are lucky, blessed with a force field that wards off the evil. Take sophomore Muneesevuren Jothi, better known as M-Jeezy. According to M-Jeezy and his loyal crew of awed disciples, his nimble and agile movement has saved him from misfortune.“I dodged it [the poop] because I’m awesome,” he said.

Freshman Michael Vandebrook steers clear of the dangerous droppings by eating lunch in the safe haven to the left of the gym. His closest encounter was seeing the droppings fall on a leaf. “It was really funny,” he said.

Poorly located in the arborous environment in front of the entrance to the cafeteria, Rachael Noble has a different story. On Jan. 3, 2011 Noble had her fifth incident of the school year. By making wise wardrobe decisions, like wearing hooded sweatshirts, and taking such precautions as ensuring her mom is on call, Noble creates her own defense mechanisms. “The worst time was when it landed in my hair,” said Noble. “I’ve had to go home twice to take a shower. I heard it’s good luck but I don’t believe it because I slipped in mud once after getting poooped on. (double whammy Rach) I’m getting used to it.”

Senior Ian Woods, while not as frequent of a victim, was the subject of a tactful bird attack. While walking by the 20’s hall, the devious bird did his deadly deed in the hood of Woods’ dapper jacket. Fully aware of the rainy conditions that day, the bird knew of Woods’s intention to protect himself with his hood. The bird also knew that underneath Woods’s sweatshirt was a provocative T-shirt exclaiming “Sorry, girls. I’m gay.” With the dropping in the hood, and subsequently on his head, Woods was forced to expose his bold statement.

Amongst quad and Senior Lawn dwellers, the popular solution is a bloody massacre. Senior Cassandra Cronin, however, offered the more humane fix of a giant atrium over the school. Senior Dani Campbell and friends have put forth a more realistic idea. Like Noble, Campbell is a hot commodity for the birds, hitting the five point marker just last month. Senior Mike Sappio, Campbell’s loving boyfriend, bearing in mind the well being of the Miramonte student body said, “We need to put Dani on the roof of the gym forcing the birds to gravitate towards her. And then we’ll make our move with shotguns.” BAM.

The bird problem is giving rise to a phobia on campus, Ornithophobia, manifested in Senior Lauren Henderson, who is known to stop all pleasant banter, spew out a stream of profanities, and helplessly shield her golden locks with whatever school material she happened to be studying when birds circle overhead. Similarly, one table on the Senior Lawn flees in fear from their peaceful lunch consumption as soon as the birds begin their ascent.

So please, laugh all you want when you’re lucky enough to see someone’s head involuntarily turned into a seagull’s toilet, because, for some inexplicable reason, potty humor is still incredibly funny. Enjoy the throw back to your 2nd grade, Captain Underpants reading days, but remember, what goes around comes around and the birds know it.