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Alison Pietrykowski

Julia Govan and Julia Hass ponder your questions, along with the meaning of life.

Julia Hass and Julia Govan, Managing Editor, Opinion Editor

Dear Julias,

I’ve always been a girl who goes for older guys. They hold the all-access pass to driving without parents, later curfews, and entry onto the senior lawn. Why would I ever pass that up? But now, I find myself at the top of the school as a senior, with no higher group to hunt. I’d say I’d like to pursue the boys, or men rather, at the nearby St. Mary’s College, but let’s be honest, a boyfriend isn’t worth having unless you can flaunt PDA in the hallways and use him as a human locker during school hours. Thus, I turn to younger boys. But how am I to detect a boy of worthy maturity? How can I distinguish the Kevin Jonas, sweet and sensitive, from the Joe Jonas, immature and self-centered? I’m a Vanessa in search of her Zac, a Demi in search of her Ashton. Aid me in my quest for eternal love (or at least one that lasts until graduation).

Sincerely,

Cougar in Training

 

Dear Cougar in Training,

I’m sorry, did you just admit your dream Jonas is KEVIN?! Not to mention the fact that you used a Jonas reference, you completely bypassed the better options and landed yourself with the most annoying, least attractive, most effeminate of the three. And Vanessa and Zac? Demi and Ashton? When was this question written? We don’t want to break it to you how these romances end, but we suggest picking up some US Weekly’s from the past four years or so. They’ll contain some shocking news.

As for your quest, if you’re going to aim low, might as well go for freshmen. They’re kindly, simple folk who would gladly accept some lovin’ from a senior lady. There are some cons, we admit, to this stellar plan. You will be expected to drive them everywhere, getting an unfortunate peek at motherhood. On the upside, you will most likely be the one wearing the pants in the relationship.

Julias

 

Dear Julias,

Since a young age I’ve known with absolute certainty that I am going to be a rock star. Though I possess little to no musical or vocal talent, I don’t plan to let this stand in my way. However, I didn’t make it into the recent Orinda Idol competition, for reasons unbeknownst to me, and I’m wondering how I’m going to be discovered if people keep insisting on not letting me perform. Any ideas?

-Iwannabefamous

 

Dear Iwannabefamous,

While we can’t completely sympathize with your lack of musical abilities (as we’re both incredibly naturally gifted), there are certainly ways to break into the music business without actual talent. Just ask Carly Rae Jepson or the members of One Direction or Justin Bieber or actually any of the American Idol winners.

Back to your question, autotune is the name of the game.

-Julias

 

Dear Julias,

Recently, my entire friend group has gotten boyfriends. I’m not dying to have a boyfriend or anything, but I have been a little lonely lately with my friends always out with their boyfriends while I’m sitting at home. I’m hoping you have some tips on how to deal with my situation.

-Foreveralone 🙁

 

Dear Foreveralone :(,

Turn that frown upside down and buy a cat! And Crocs, a Snuggie, and a Pillow Pet. You will basically be alone your entire life and might as well just accept your predicament.

Only joking. Two words: third wheelin’. Why sit at home when you can just add to the fun? Though some tend to shy away from awkwardness, we’ve always embraced it, and have always tried to convert others to our ways. Literally everything is more enjoyable. For example: Let’s say one of your friends reveals that she and her boyfriend are going out that night and she lets slip the name of the restaurant they’re going to. Meet them there. It’s as simple as that. Erase any doubt from your mind that they might not want you there.

-Julias

 

Dear Julias,

Everyone makes fun of me because I’m a ginger. Should I shave my head or dye my hair?

-Ginger

 

Dear Ginger,

Hold on, let’s not be too hasty. Instead of shedding your lovely lustrous locks, why not embrace them? While as of late, “gingers” have come down with a bad rep, we think the time is ripe to turn the tables. Like scooters, disposable cameras, high waisted shorts, beaded hair, but NOT GAUCHOS, it’s never too late to make a comeback! Fro it, gel it, mohawk it, dread it, make the ginger community proud!

-Julias