Fantasy Football Takes Over Miramonte Students’ Lives

Chris Berg and Spencer Hardwick

After a long and tortuous six months, where there was nothing to watch on TV besides “Pretty Little Liars” and re-runs of “Super Troopers,” the National Football League, and consequently, fantasy football, is back on our screens. It’s back to the draft boards, waiver wire and the Sundays spent posted on the couch, constantly refreshing the box score. Just like ebola, fantasy football fever is sweeping the nation, except we are all glad it’s terminal for the roughly 25.8 million Americans who are infected. Here is a breakdown of an average fantasy football season:

Draft Day: Draft Day, Johnny Manziel…five rounds later and he’s still there. It’s the most important day of the year. The past 24 hours have been spent pouring over mock drafts and sweating your top three picks. The draft means everything. A couple bad picks and you’ll be spending your season rueing the day you took Cam Newton over Philip Rivers. The draft order is determined and you’re left hyperventilating over your plan. Jamaal Charles or Peyton Manning with your first round pick? Questions like this can give a fantasy player nightmares. As the draft goes on, the team begins to take shape, with a couple of sleepers on the bench. When the final pick is made an hour later, you are filled with the sense that your team is the G.O.A.T. Bring on your Week 1 opponent.

Regular Season Matchups: After a week of trash talking your friends in the hallways, offering sneaky one-sided trade offers done in the bathroom stall, and scouring the waiver wire while hiding your phone from your teacher, Sunday is finally here. You better have finished all your weekend homework already because you certainly aren’t getting any done today.

NFL RedZone will undoubtedly be your best friend today as you slowly watch your team rack up the points. You will yell in exasperation when the Bengals opt for the play action on the 1 yard line instead of handing it off to the unstoppable Giovanni Bernard. You might do the Shmoney dance in celebration because the Niners D got another pick-six. Most of all, you will never give up hope, even when you are down by 50 points and only have your kicker left to play. Only when the clock strikes zero on Monday Night Football will you exult in victory or curl into the fetal position and weep in defeat.

Playoffs: For 14 grueling weeks, the regular season carries on. Those who are fortunate enough to be in the top four teams in their leagues advance to the prestigious playoff rounds. Things are about to get even more turnt up. You and your opponent will go through the week without saying a word to each other, your only exchange coming from icy stares when you pass each other in the halls, or the occasional subtweet about the other man’s quarterback (let’s be honest, Carson Palmer is trash). You may even take the low road and try to get some better players from teams that didn’t make the playoffs, which of course, is illegal. With time, the semi-finals come and pass, and now only two teams remain. But now, there is more than just money on the line. It’s about constantly being able to brag over your league for a whole year, forever reminding your friends of the fact that you are the superior fantasy football player, and by definition the superior human being. It’s about to be a long and tedious week at school, where your mind can’t focus on anything besides the matchup. Sunday morning you’re up at the crack of dawn to make some last minute roster adjustments. From there, all you can do is pray to the fantasy football gods for the best week of your life.

It is about to be one crazy ride this fantasy football season. We wish you and your team the best of luck, unless you’re playing us.