Dearest Gentle Reader,

There has been a massacre in the ton! Our own members of society have turned against each other, willing to stab their neighbor in the back for the sake of a game. The class of 2026 has traded their books for Orbeez guns. No one is safe: not the MCC lifeguard nor the athletes on the field (well, apart from when actively engaging in their physical endeavor). The air is thick with paranoia, and I dare say, Mr. Carvalho is not finding any joy in this watery warfare, for he has summoned the local magistrates to instill fear in the members of the ton. One must ask: have our young lords and ladies become so dishonorable that the law itself must intervene to maintain peace? 

Many feel that even our own king is fabricating theatricals as a form of personal entertainment and gain. Some say that the king’s men are often favored in this stiff competition over their lady competitors, especially when considering the accuracy of videos sent over text messages. For example, it is a truth universally acknowledged that certain grounds are meant to be sacred (such as Orinda Country Club and 24 Hour Fitness), yet the rules of engagement were tossed aside like a useless maid during a recent practice. While the laws of the game strictly forbade a strike during such honorable pursuits, a certain assassin struck regardless. Even more shocking, the king has disregarded this blatant breach of the law. It seems justice is not only blind this season, but perhaps a bit bribable. One wonders if the rules apply to all, or only to those without the King’s particular favor…

The wealthier members of society have been able to pay their way into further rounds of the game, whereas those with only a penny to their name are stuck in a rut of failure. It appears our dear scholars have turned into common merchants. The most chilling whispers circulating the Miramonte halls are not of the weapons used, but of the cold-hearted commerce taking part in the shadows. During last weekend’s UC Santa Barbara admitted students day, I overheard reports of “kill for kill bargains” – a ghastly breach of the law simply to climb in the rankings. Where is the honor? Where is the sport? It seems that people are so desperate for the prize that they are willing to sell their own lives for a few measly points. However, it seems the king has finally grown weary of this descent into depravity. In a move that has sent shockwaves through the common platform of Instagram, a new decree has been issued: the bartering of kills is officially forbidden. Yes, gentle reader, the kill for kill commerce that has stained our season is now an offence punishable by banishment from our honorable society. 

But I ask you, can one truly legislate honor? Or will these desperate players simply find more creative shadows in which to conduct their dirty business, such as our local Chipotle? The rules may have changed, but the hunger for the prize, which is thousands of dollars of promised riches, remains as ravenous as ever…

As the numbers dwindle, the question remains: who among us will possess the means to outlast the rest? Will it be a seasoned veteran of the social season, or a dark horse emerging from battle? The finish line is in sight, and I for one am anxious to see who shall be crowned the victor. 

Until then, keep your garages closed and don’t forget to study for the upcoming AP tests, for in the game of the ton, there are no participation trophies; only the glory of the final orbee.

Yours Truly,